I don't even know. I know that she's probably going to read this but ya.. I know that my first mistake today was calling her first..I should have just stayed away and let her forget me. She'd be so much better off forgetting me. We texted abit and she called me again before I went to work, I guess her Dad said that itd be best if we had a clean break and then ..I don't remember he exact words but it was basically that we should not talk for while and then someday be like 'hey' which he is right, that probably would be better..she could finally be happy and just..not have to hurt cos of me..
Then when I had to go (to work) she kissed me and I kissed her back but..she didn't kiss me back..I could tell that it just.. was nothing..
I feel like a fool tripping over my own feet. It's like being so close and then realizing..there is no going back. She's starting to stop loving me. Which is cool I guess- I mean I don't blame her.. she's perfect in every way and I'm just..stupid. I know that she hates herself and that she feels like shes controlling but I still love her she's my best friend and I'm losing/have lost her..
When I got home from work tonight I just started crying at letting out everything that I had to hold in at work..I just sat down next to the garage and cried for like 20 minuets before I realized I needed to go inside before my grandma started worrying about where I was..
I know that all of this is coming out wrong and makes no sence but heck, my thoughts make no sence. Everything just comes out in sparatic bursts of nonsence but i guess that's what happens when your hearts gasping for breathe as your trying to sort reality from nightmares. This is going to ruin everything and probably hurt her so much if she reads this but she's so.....
I really shouldn't finish this because I don't know or thibk I should and I havnt slept so I'm not thinking and ya.. *sigh*.I don't even know..