Keep Taking Chances.

Look, I know that alot of you would call me a hypocrit but this blog is just to document my story. I suppose that a little back story is needed in order for me to continue-

I was 5 when it first happened, I remember it still. I remember where he was standing in the room and every question he asked me, I also remember the question that I asked back then and still ask now- "Why?" I dont need to write a novel for you to know what happened that day. I repressed the memory for years until I was 16 and it hit like a frieght train- that was two years ago and for the most part I have resolved my emotions on it. I still see him around though and I have to be nice to him- nobody except one person knows who it was who did that aweful act to me as a child.

Since then I was sexually assaulted about 4 other times. The most recent was 5 months ago. Because of this im basically fucked in the head and am highly aggressive torwards men. It sucks cause i really do like guys.. I just cant trust them as far as I can throw them. But anyways TO cope with the sexual assualt I thought that I was transgendered when I was 14, but upon looking into the "Issue" I realized what it actually was.. I am afraid to be a girl because I dont want to be hurt again- I stopped cross dressing so much (Ive always been a tomboy) but I still wear boxers because they give me a sense of security cause im still scared..

So thats one issue of mine, another is that I really dont like to be close to them. I kid you not you can smell their testosterone. I start seeing red and i;m scared ill hurt someone. So to avoid this I started dating girls and long story short I met this amazing girl, (nickname Sassy) who I dated for a year and almost maried..but she broke up with me and I have no Idea what to do without her.. Every night I kid you not- even if I avoid her though, profiles, pictures, everything during the day, I still see her at night when I dream and I feel like I am dyin when I wake up. 

Tonight I saw a picture on my tumblr that says "Keep taking chances". It has reminded me that even though I lost my best friend not six months ago and my other bestfriend to his asshole girlfriend and the girl I loved more that anything- I need to keep going. Sometimes life is like a bus stop and while waiting there some of your friends might decide to take a diffrent root on a different bus. It hurts like hell to watch them get on that bus and drive away. Just cause their gone it dosnt mean that you will never see them again, every road has to curve eventually. So by Gods amazing grace I'm still pushing through,life is full of opertunities and I dont wanna miss a single chance to do something amazing so Ill get on the damn bus by myself if i have to.

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