Last night Becca called me- or well..had me call her. either way we were talking on the phone and I kept asking like, questions I had really wanted to ask before but thought that they would be to hurtful or rude or something..but just, we kinda talked about that for awhile and it was really hard not to talk like how we used too because were not together anymore. She told me that she missed me and dont get me wrong, I miss her too. SO much..But I know that if we ever did try again we'd just end up breaking up again because of the distance and our opinions and stuff..
Its the hardest thing in the world to push her away when she wants to kiss (dont ask) and cuddle but we cant- I cant. I can't hardly talk to her on the phone as just friends because everythings still so raw and it just makes me want to beg her not to go again. It makes me just want to pull her close and put aside our diffences. I dont know anymore... I really have to stop thinking about her so much because its just sabotoging my will power..Besides, I know I always mess up and make her angry at me because on her twitter (other twitter that im not suppose to be able to read but some how I found it which is kinda ironic because acouple years ago when we were broke up she found my other blog which had ALL my feelings and thoughts in its so its actually kinda funny how this all played out..) butI'm trying not to read it cause its like..her space and I dont wanna be a stalker X-girlfriend.
I hated telling her that I had cut again..I'm such an idiot tho because my cousin is coming in like, a couple months- her and my sister are probably gonna try to drag me to the pool again...that will be a bad Idea cause their more noticable that last year cause they cover more area than my old ones did. Ill probably just whiten them with lemon juice (it works like bleach :) and makes them turn white instead of that read/red/purple colour scars turn). so here we go, DAY 1.
Stay strong, Stay Beautiful.