TO much build up..

Hey guys, I know it's been a long time since i last posted- alot has happened. I guess right now i am feeling more than a little- out of control. As odd as it might sound- i feel alot like that ball of wax floating in a cup of piss.. damned if i am damned if im not. Frankly right now- as I look back on my path that stated more than 5 years ago I realize im in the same- but strangely diffrent spot that I was years ago. I know ive made progress is some areas but in others ive been treading water for a long- long time. Out of ciggarets and in a borderline abusive relationship, new truck, possibly no job and no gas. 
I guess i'm just really struggling to see God in all this right now. 
What do you do when one side is telling you that you cant change who you are- and the eother side tell you to cahnge what you do? If its mind over matter than what if matter replaced by youre heart- b what matters to you right now. 

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