While im being honest..

It's funny how when people here things like 'depression' 'suicide', 'cutting', 'anarexia', 'self harm' and bulimia' they think of 'attention seeker' or 'freak' or 'weak'. But what they don't think of is mental illness like Down Syndrom or Autism or Dyslexia. They don't connect the two at all the only things that they do connect them with is emo kids and screamo music and Wacky-Shacks. They say 'get professional help!' And while thats all Fine and dandy and does help, people dont realise that LOVE plays a huge role in recovery, in fighting, even in medicating. When they see Down syndrom kids their hearts melt and sometimes even break and they have a charity drive. saying 'this breaks my heart! We need to show these kiss that their brave and that we care!' (im not dissing that that's bad because im right in line with them and it does break my heart when I see a family needing to raise money for the treatments.) But with the 'darker' side of the INSANE scale people often turn a deaf ear because of the gore, because of the mutilation and disfiguration of some of its victims. They don't think or even realize that these people need love too.

I made this blog to talk about what I've learned..but I didn't think about talking about what im learning. I made this blog to also talk about my spiritual life- about how im conquering or about how  God is helping me through. But the thing is is that I trip more than I walk. Between friends leaving and people dying and my moms neglecting, my sister abuse/love (mood) flips I stumble down the path of temptation. When I made this blog I didn't really think about writing about what bothered me or what I was questioning, what was clawing at me and what was weighing me down. A lot is weighing me down.

Like the urge to cut, to feel the sweet tingle of pain, to push in farther than I've ever gone. The urge to plunge back into the sin that had me by the throat but glory be to God that I made headway in my fight. Or how about the urge to purging my intestines of the vile I just ate, the tiny morsel I forced myself to eat. 

 

Maybe a more violent one? Like letting my temper fly and just punching the Crap out of everything.. 

I stumble so much that it isn't even conceivable to laugh at it as a joke. Everyday is hard, with no one ever asking if I'm ok, or if they do, not honestly wanting to know the answer. My friends are all busy, my mom is busy, my sister is always gone, getting yelled at that I don't have two jobs like my amazing sister..I feel alone a lot.. adding on every night being hard (waking up continually and Abusing myself mentally until I can Force myself to turn the light off and keep it off.) So yea..I fall a lot.. but that's okay. Theirs a thing grace and its relieving, a thing called forgiveness and its pure. Theirs a thing called hope- and its beautiful. Frankly, I know theirs something wrong in my head- I'm just not categorised. But I'm PROOF that there is absolutely no partiality in Christ. There is no slave or free- black or white, girl or boy, sane or weird. There is love that is deeper that the ocean and reaches farther than the furthest corner of the east to the farthest border of the west.

Life is simple, not easy. - that is one of my favorite sayings and its so true. Just because life is hard it dosn't make it bad, cos I've done a lot wrong in my life, I've made a lot of bad desisions and I still do..but I'm here to say that It dosn't matter who you are or where your from or what youre doing or what you've done- God loves you. And there is Hope.

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Comments

  1. beks1810

    I found this an absolutely beautiful piece of writing, and I promise you that I care if you’re ok or not, and I care to ask if you’re ok – for the real reason, that I want to know if you’re not ok, just to try to cheer you up, make you feel better and I’m aware I don’t always do the best I could possibly do, with being so caught up in my own emotions that are a reflection of yours. But, I am so proud of you that you are strong enough to face it and to battle with it, you haven’t given in and you’ve had nearly 17 years of this crap. You always pull through and I respect you so much, you’re so brave, so powerful, you CAN have your own voice, and you can get better, just like I can. Like in Lord of the Rings, “I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you!” and I intend to carry you, if I have to, up that mountain, so that at the end of it all, we can sit and smile and be completely free, I love you.

    June 08, 2013
  2. eimi-xeros

    I love you too xxx

    June 08, 2013
    1. beks1810

      :/) I promise I’ve always got your back.

      June 09, 2013
  3. DebbieA

    Down syndrome and autism aren’t mental illnesses, sweetie. Down Syndrome is a chromosomal disorder. That being said, I do know of a few young people who have “cut” themselves and have worked with them personally. It is not well understood, is it? But it can be overcome, I have been privileged to see that.

    June 09, 2013
    1. eimi-xeros

      Hun, they are mental illnesses/disorders. Just as depression is chemical imbalence in some cases. Just diffrent sides of the scale.

      June 14, 2013